Will Self: Ballyhoo.

Will Self: Often dry, witty, intelligent. And responsible for one of the best radio debates in the last decade.

His column in the Standard today, however, is an example of one of his more recent tendencies towards unfunny, cynical rambles. Cue the best (worst) moments:

1) "Boris was cheerily incapable of waving the [Olympic flag] even in the windless surroundings of the Bird's Nest stadium. It made my heart swell with Cockney pride."

and:

"No, our only hope lies with Boris. Let this be your finest hour, I say! Let your unworldly manner be a flaming beacon of hope in a world crazed by excellence, profits - and power."

BORIS YOU TW*T! LOL! I LUV HIM HE IS GREAT WELL BETTER THAN THOSE OTHER ONES!! HIL-ARIOUS! LOL!!

2) "I have a sneaking suspicion that Boris doesn't really like all the corporate ballyhoo that's already surrounding the London Games."

He doesn't really like it? Presumably this is a joke. If not, it's quite worrying.

3) "Moreover, a formidable classicist himself, [Boris] cannot be unaware that the modern games once had rather more high-minded aspirations: to foster excellence without regard for narrow, nationalist considerations."

Yes, I'm sure that was exactly what was on his mind as he waved the Olympic flag in front of a television audience of hundreds of millions.

4) "Frankly, Ken would have been a far more frightening-prospect as Gamesmeister, what with his sharp suits and brazen embrace of demagoguery."

Very cheap, tiresome shot. (Side note: Sharp suits? Ken?!)

5) "Lord Coe is still trumpeting about the great regeneration of Stratford... He points to the 2,000 long-term unemployed who are already employed on the 2012 site, but I say: you're going to have to do better than that for your £9billion."

Except if we didn't have the Olympics then the idea that real investment would have gone into that area is laughable. In my books any improvement there is a success.

(Where has my sense of humour gone today? Will Self - he's funny, right? Right?)